so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He passed out mid-signature
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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