time to smoke my breakfast
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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