i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
