Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
