She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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