Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
