woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize