Betty ford says i'm here all night
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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