My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize