I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Non-Jews are for practice
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
