I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize