Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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