dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
