Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
