You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize