i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i love accidental penises.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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