If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
