weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
