quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
