Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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