Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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