i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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