If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
