If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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