why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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