It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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