I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
