Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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