Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
