This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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