The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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