The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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