can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
