Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
