I think I won the penis lottery.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize