Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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