I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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