I'm going to jail i love you
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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