when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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