News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
