I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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