Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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