whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
