I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
