While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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