You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it hurts more in the daytime
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
