I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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