what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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