he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
