So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
