Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
