My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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