Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
