i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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