I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
