Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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