broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I have fence marks all over my body
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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